March 9, 2012

Fact Is Better: The Seafood Department

As I was preparing to celebrate National Crabmeat Day, I called around to ask if any local stores carried a vegan version of the dish.

Whole Foods Employee: "Good evening, this is [Enter Nondescript Name Here] in Frozen Foods, how can I help you?"
Me: "Hi, I'm a food blogger and I'm calling to see if you guys carry vegan crabcakes."
Whole Foods Employee: ". . . what?"
Me: "Vegan crabcakes. They're like crabcakes, but . . . they're vegan."
Whole Foods Employee: "We don't carry anything like that here."
Me: "You sure do. You have vegan breaded shrimp and vegan calamari in the frozen foods aisle in a green box on the bottom shelf."
Whole Foods Employee: "Listen, all Whole Foods are different. Maybe you saw it somewhere else. I can transfer you to the seafood department, though they'll probably be able to answer your question."
Me: "Well, no, they wouldn't. Because I'm looking for vegan crabca . . ."
Whole Foods Employee: "Right, you're looking for crabcakes. And they're the SEAFOOD department."
Me: "I'm looking for VEGAN crabcakes. As in: no-animals-were-slaughtered-in-the-making-of-this-product crabcakes. And the SEAFOOD department, I'm pretty sure, wouldn't be able to help me. Because they're selling the dead bodies of fish."
Whole Foods Employee: "Are you sure you don't want to talk to the Seafood Department?"
Me: *agitated at this point* "You said you were in frozen foods, right? Can you just do me a favor? Can you go look in the frozen foods section for me?"
Whole Foods Employee: *sighs* "Yup, gimme a second." *returns, sounding triumphant* "Well, whadda ya know! We DO carry the vegan calamari! It's in a green box on . . ."
Me: "On the bottom shelf. Yes, I know. And that's NOT what I wanted. I asked you multiple times if you carried vegan crabcakes. CRABCAKES."
Whole Foods Employee: "Oh, I didn't notice. You should probably call back tomorrow and ask for the Frozen Foods Buyer."

I wish he would've told me that at the beginning of our delightful merry-go-round conversation.

The Seafood Department? Really, man? C'MON!  You work at freakin' WHOLE FOODS!

Anyways, true story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.