November 18, 2011

Fact is Better: With a Wink and a Smile

About a month ago a friend suggested that I consider writing a guest “Fact is Better” blog. I did and it was so well received, I knew I had to do it again (check out the first one here, if you're so tempted). After all, everyone experiences moments in life that are just too awesome or too bizarre to be real. But the best part is: they are. That’s what makes fact better than fiction most times.

Now, when I ask for guest bloggers, I have NO IDEA what they’re going to write about. After all – this is their lives they’re writing about, not mine. So, I don’t give them parameters; how could I? Fact is fact is fact. I can’t deny someone’s interesting story just because it doesn’t fit some theme or reality I wish existed or didn’t, right? Even if their story is totally mortifying.

As is the case for our next blog.

(Disclaimer: this one ain’t for the faint of heart, or for those people that truly believe that “stuff like this” doesn’t actually happen. It does . . .)


“A peculiar event occurred to me last summer. After having a little more than ‘a few rounds’ with my friend at the bar, he suggested that we go hang out at the beach. Knowing that we were both nowhere near able to drive, we walked across the street to Denny's to grab some grub and attempt to sober up.

Two hours and three strawberry lemonades later, we decided we were good to go. At this point it was slightly after 3AM and we knew it would take us about 15 minutes to drive to the nearest beach. About halfway there my friend turns to me and says:

Friend: ‘Dude, I really gotta go to the bathroom.’
Me: ‘Why didn't you go before we left Denny's!? ‘
Friend: ‘Didn't have to go then.’
Me: *sigh* ‘Well, we are almost there so you'll just have to hold it.’
Friend: ‘Damn it...’

I can clearly see that my friend is struggling with his current situation, so I try to get to the beach parking lot as fast as I can. Unfortunately, finding parking isn't exactly easy and my friend is starting to lose his patience. When we finally see an open parking space and start to get closer to it, my friend tells me to just stop and let him out.

Me: ‘Wait, the parking space is right there!’
Friend: ‘Dude, just let me out.’
Me: ‘But, wher-‘
Friend: ‘JUST STOP THE CAR!’

I do as he says and he immediately runs for the nearest alleyway. I figure that while he's doing his business, I'll park the car. So, I eventually found a spot and pulled in between some white car and this old matte-brown junker from what looks like the late 70's. As I'm putting my car into ‘Park,’ I get the feeling that someone is watching me. So, I look to my left and notice that there is a police officer in full uniform sitting in the front passenger seat of the ugly brown car. He lock eyes with me and looks as though I’ve caught him doing something very wrong.

Over the course of the next few seconds, my heart starts racing and I run the emotional gamete of being confused and mildly curious. I’m wondering, "Why is there a police officer sitting in this ugly brown car? Why is he in the passenger seat? Why is he alon-" And right as I’m thinking that very question, a face POPS UP from the officers lap and is now starting at me as well.

The look of confusion on my face changed to an expression of surprise, disbelief, and mild horror. What was probably only two seconds, seemed like a good long minute of three of us just staring back and forth at each other. Eventually, the young lady, still hovering over the officers lap, gives me a little smirk and a wink before returning to whatever it was she was doing before I had interrupted. It was at that point that I finally broke eye contact with the officer who still had this look of terror on his face, put my car back into ‘Drive,’ and backed out as quickly as I could.

I parked near the entrance of the lot to meet my friend. As I got out of my car, I could hear another car door open and then slam shut. Against my better judgment, I looked back to see if it was who I thought it was, and it was indeed the officer. He was walking back to his police cruiser. The young lady then started up the ugly brown car, pulled out of her parking spot, and drove right past me towards the exit. She even blew me a kiss and waved as she passed me by.

I met up with my friend at and he could clearly tell by the look on my face that something had happened.

Friend: ‘You ok, dude? ‘
Me: ‘...I think I just witnessed a cop getting a freebie from a hooker in the parking lot.’
Friend: ‘Wait, what!? WHERE!?’
Me: ‘Over there where I parked, but they both left already. I think I killed the mood for him because they didn't stick around for very long after we made eye contact.’
Friend: ‘You killed the mood only for him?’
Me: ‘Well, the hooker... the hooker seemed oddly okay with it.’
Friend: ‘Yeah, you're probably right. Well, if it makes you feel better, I peed in front some dude who was smoking in the alley near me.’"

True story (from David Nazario).

Further proof that fact is better (and sometimes more disturbing) than fiction.