October 21, 2011

Fact is Better: Feortan

Flatulence is funny.
(By the way: girls fart. They really do. If a girl tells you she doesn't, she's lying.)

Bodily functions are a regular, comfortable conversational topic between my sister and I (they always have been, but have increased in regularity with older age). Which is why I wasn't surprised we had the following text message chat recently . . .

Sister: "I need your help . . . what is the speed of a fart?"
Me: "About 10 feet per second."
Me: "They are mostly created by e-coli."
Me: "Temperature of fart at time of creation is 98.6 degrees."
Sister: "That's gross. Yet awesome. How do you know these things?"
Me: "On average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen."
Sister: ". . . I knew you were the fartologist to go to."
Me: "Fart comes from the old English word 'feortan,' which means to break wind."
Me: "Okay, that's all I got."
Sister: "You are a master fartologist. My utmost gratitude."
Me: "Sure, I'm pretty awesome like that."
Sister: "Well, that's just a lot of flatulent knowledge to have."
Me: "Am I honored that you wanted to talk to ME about this?"
Sister: "Yes. You are my favorite fart/poop conversationalist."
Me: "Does this stem from the fact that you're having beeturia-envy?"
Sister: ". . . I really, really am."

True story.

*looks around to see if anyone's noticed*

Further proof that fact is always better than fiction.