September 16, 2011

Fact Is Better: If Medication Were People

It was a quiet moment in the apartment, the only sounds coming from the rabbit who was racing around the kitchen incessantly, his little claws clicking on the linoleum. I was lying on the couch letting my sleepy mind wander, while The Photographer was folding laundry near me.  An amusing thought suddenly struck (as they often do in states of nearly suspended consciousness) and I voiced it aloud.

Me: *groggily* “Do you ever wonder what gender medication would be if it was a person?”
The Photographer: “ . . . no.”
Me: “I do.” *pause* “Like . . . what do you think Viagra would be?”
The Photographer: *looks up at me unimpressed, his eyes begging for me to not follow through with this thought*
Me: *pressing* “Do you think it would be a boy or a girl?”
The Photographer: *sighs, giving in to me* “Duh, a girl.”
Me: “. . . I think if Viagra was a person it would be a young, sexy prostitute.”
The Photographer: “A young, sexy high-class prostitute that you were addicted to.”
Me: “For sure. What about Birth Control?”
The Photographer: *sighs again* “I don’t know.”
Me: “‘Cause I think it would be a bulky, butch mom-type. ‘YOU WILL NOT GET PREGNANT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?’ All like, screaming with her finger in your face. Veins bulging from her neck.”
The Photographer: *sighs*
Me: “What about Ambien? I’m convinced Ambien would be a seductive Latin man. ‘Come to sleep, darling. Yes, REM sleep. Oooh, feel the Z’s taking over you. Doesn’t the drowsiness feel good? Sleep. Sleep . . .YES! YOU’RE ASLEEP! HAHA! VICTORY IS MINE!”
The Photographer: *annoyed* “Why is he yelling?! He wouldn’t be yelling! That’s not going to lull you to sleep. He’s going to whisper in his smooth accent something like: ‘Think about this! Now think about that! Now think about this! Now thi . . . now you’re asleep!’”
Me: “You’re probably right.” *pause* “What about . . .”
The Photographer: “Stop.”
Me: “What?”
The Photographer: “I don’t want to play this game anymore. I’ve tried to discourage this subject multiple times now, and you won’t let it go. It’s weird, I’m over it.”
Me: “Says the boy who was effortlessly just pretending he was Ambien.”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.