July 16, 2011

Fact is Better: Sally the Ice Cream Savior

I don’t know what it is, but there’s something on my face that screams, “PLEASE HASSLE ME” when I’m shopping at my local grocery store.  Apparently I give off a vibe I wasn’t aware of it, but it seems that more and more often do people (that I don’t know) approach me in stores to ask me about products.  Where they’re located, what I recommend, which I’ve tried before, etc.  It’s very strange.

Recently it happened in the freezer aisle.  It took everything I had not to drop the, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!  I’M THE MOTHERFLIPPIN’ AUTHOR OF THE ICE CREAM THEORY.  OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT” line.

*as I’m standing in front of the Ben & Jerry’s display I’m mildly distracted by a frantic and loudly babbling mother opening and closing the freezer doors with her young son in tow*
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “I just don’t know!  I DON’T KNOW.  Let’s ask this lady . . . she looks like she knows what she’s doing.”
*Hesitantly, I look over at them as they begin to approach me.*
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “Sally?”
*I furrow my brow and begin to explain that I’m not who they think I am.  The woman quickly cuts me of.*
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “I don’t know your name so I’m gonna call you Sally.  Sally, listen, I need to feed a baseball team and I don’t know what to get.”
Me: “Ohhhkay.”
Crazy-Eyed Mom:  “But it’s not just a baseball team y’know.  It’s like all those baseball kids’ brothers and sisters, too.  What am I supposed to do, hunh?! WHAT AM I.  SUPPOSED. TO DO?!”
Me: “Buy a big tub of ice cream and let the kids go to town?”
*the little boys eyes light up and he nods vigorously*
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “No.” *the little boy deflates*  “Listen, I don’t wanna be breakin’ the bank on this, y’know?  I don’t wanna hafta take out a second mortgage or nothin’ just to feed this kids some ice cream.”
Me: “Well, then, to be honest, I’d go with the drumsticks.  Or the choco-tacos.  Or freezepops.  Those are all things they sell on an ice cream truck which means they’re guaranteed to be cheap treats kids will like.  And if you get the drumsticks over there” *I walk over and point directly at the box* “you’ll get eight in a box for three dollars.  That’s a pretty good deal.”
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “Wait!  Where is it?  Where is it?  Where?  Where’s it located?” *she frantically begins ripping open freezer doors looking for the box I had just clearly pointed at.  Eventually she locates it.*  “This is a pretty good deal this is.  Yeah.  We’re gonna go with this.  Thanks.”
*I smile politely and start walking away.*
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “What was your name, hon?”
Me: “Steff.”
Crazy-Eyed Mom: “Steff.  Oh!  Of course.  You know, you look like a Sally though.”
Me: “ . . . have a great day.”
*As I walk away I can hear the woman say to her son, “Wow, that Sally lady seemed to know her stuff about ice cream, hunh?”*

Lady, you have no idea.

True story!

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.