January 28, 2011

Fact Is Better: Red Peppers Shouldn't Have Anything Inside Them. Except for Red Pepper Stuff.

The Photographer was coming over and we were planning on making a metric crap ton of fajitas. I thought I’d cut up the peppers a day in advance to shorten the length of time it would take to actually make the food (we’re ravenous twenty-something’s who hate waiting).

I cut the top off the green pepper, sliced it up, and put it in my super sweet green veggie container that keeps produce fresher longer.

I cut the top off the orange pepper, sliced it up, and put it in the same container.

I cut the top off the yellow pepper, sliced it up, and put it in the same container.

I cut the top off the red pepper . . . and a giant, furry, black dead worm fell out.

Mildly disgusted, I peered into the red pepper to find it completely dotted with what looked like either insect eggs or mold. I scooped up the worm and put it back inside the pepper, took a picture of it with my camera and sent it to The Photographer before calling him.


Me: “Did you get the picture I just sent you?”
The Photographer: “Yeah. Are those all bugs?”
Me: “I don’t know. Could be eggs. Or mold. That long black thing in the top right of the pepper is a worm though.”
The Photographer: *dry heaves* “Oh. Oh, that’s so gross.”
Me: “What am I supposed to do? Should I bring it to the grocery store? You think they’d give me another one?”
The Photographer: “I would. A fresh red pepper shouldn’t have ANYTHING inside it. I’m sure they’ll give you another pepper. Although, I bet if you just washed the pepper clean, you could probably still eat it.”
Me: “Would you?”
The Photographer: “NO! I was just saying.”


The next morning, I went to the customer service desk at the grocery store around the corner from my house. I had placed the top of the pepper back on it, and put the entire thing inside a container.

Me: “Hi there, I purchased this red pepper a couple days ago, and when I cut into it last night, bugs fell out of it.” *I go to lift the top off the container to show her*
Customer Service Woman: *slams her hand on top of mine to prevent me from opening the container* “No!” *she dry heaves* “Oh, that’s so gross.”
Me: “Do you wanna see it?”
Customer Service Woman: “NO! No. I’m all set.”
Me: “If it’s possible, I’d just like to get a new red pepper.”
Customer Service Woman: *gingerly slides the container with the pepper in it onto the scale* “I’m just . . .” *she dry heaves again* “I’m just gonna weigh it right in the container, because I . . .” *she shudders*
Me: “Thanks, I appreciate that.”
Customer Service Woman: *hands me two dollars and change* “I’m sorry about that.”
Me: “No worries. If you don’t mind, could you just throw away the whole thing? I don’t need the container back.”
Customer Service Woman: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Would you want your container back?”
Customer Service Woman: *dry heaves* “No!”


After hurrying all the way across the store to the produce section to get a new red pepper (I spent quality time looking at each pepper, and weighing them – my assumption was that if there were two peppers the same size and one was heavier, than it might be filled with more unpleasant creepy crawlies), I get in line to cash-out.

Tattooed Grocery Clerk: “Good morning,” *he reaches for a plastic bag to put my pepper in*
Me: “I won’t need a bag, thanks.”
Tattooed Grocery Clerk: *smirks, then sarcastically says:* “No? Do you think you’ll need a cart? Maybe assistance in taking your groceries out?”
Me: *purses my lips* “No. Listen, sassy pants, you wanna know the story of this here red pepper?”
Tattooed Grocery Clerk: “Sure.”
Me: “I just returned the red pepper I had purchased a couple days ago, because it was filled with bugs.”
Tattooed Grocery Clerk: *dry heaves* “Oh, that’s so gross. Are you serious? Like . . . . filled with bugs?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Tattooed Grocery Clerk: “When did this happen?”
Me: “Last night. I cut the top off the red pepper and bam!, bugs and mold and eggs.”
Tattooed Grocery Clerk: “That’s so disgusting. I’m sorry. I hope this one is . . . not filled with anything. Except red pepper stuff.”
Me: “Here’s hoping.”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.