July 2, 2010

Fact is Better: Proctologists Are Probably Just Misunderstood

The Cake Maker and I went to see the opening of a super teeny-bopping drama about vampires. We weren’t really interested in the movie as much as we were the experience of the entire thing. For example, while the girls in the crowd swooned over the two main studs, The Cake Maker and I decided to root for the father in the film. We also announced, while waiting in line, that real life boys do not have the abs that the young studs in film do.

We like to preach the truth.

After we had taken out seats in the theater, The Cake Maker – with fire in her eyes - turned to me to ask if was listening to the conversation going on behind us. I tuned in to hear:

Know-It-All: “. . . I mean, can you imagine being a gynecologist? Having to look up a seventy-eight year olds hole? It’s probably like a giant cavern that echoes. But it’s proctologists that I think are weird. You gotta know that after studying for ten years they definitely have pictures of asses around their house.”
The Cake Maker: “I’m gonna say something. Can I say something? ‘Cause I’m gonna say something.”
Me: “Su . . .
The Cake Maker: *whips around and starts loudly yell-talking to the dimwit behind us* “Theoretically speaking, if proctologists have pictures of butts hanging around their house, then don’t you think gynecologists would, too?”
Know-It-All: *looks at her as if she’s dumb* “No, because they aren’t as weird. Anyway, like I was saying . . .” *turns back to friends* “Clearly proctologists hang pictures off asses all over their house.”
Me: *annoyed with the stupidity free-flowing from the wanker behind us, I whip around, half out of my seat with irritation and also start yell-talking* “OKAY THEN, so what do YOU do for work?”
Know-It-All: *gives me a condescending glare* “I’m in cell phone sales.”
Me: “Isn't that special?  You sell cell phones.  How awesome for you.  Let me guess, you have pictures of cell phones ALL over your friggen house?”
Know-It-All: “Um . . . no. I’ve only been doing it for like a year. And why would I hang pictures of cell phones on my wall?”
Me: “Exactly.  Listen, I've been in marketing for five years and I don’t have a single marketing-related picture hanging on my wall. You don’t have cell phones on your wall, I don’t have marketing stuff on my wall, my mom doesn’t have homeless people on her wall, my sister doesn’t have convenience store shit on her wall, thus it’s safe to say that proctologists most likely do NOT have buttholes on their walls.”
*people sitting near us laugh and clap approvingly at my tirade*
Know-It-All: “Proctologists study asses for ten years, okay? They’re, like, the most suicidal profession and they hang pictures of asses on their walls.”
Me: “I hear being a cell phone salesmen is the most homicidal position.”
Know-It-All: “ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING: CLEARLY PROCTOLOGISTS . . .”
The Cake Maker: “I’m gonna rip his colon out.”

True Story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.