April 23, 2010

Fact is Better: Gatorade and Trojans. The Blue Kind.

Drunk women amaze me.

I recently did a promo where I was a Hornitos Tequila Girl.  The night started off with a frat-boy pounding a margarita like it was a shot of water, putting on an extra-small tank top, and parading around the bar.  It was 7:30pm.  I thought the night couldn't get any better.

And then it did.

Me: "Hey ladies, my name is Steff and I'm the Hornitos Teq . . ."
Super Drunk Blonde: "HEYYYYYYYY.  Hey, listen!  LISTEN!"  *massive pause*  "Hmmmm . . . I'm really excited to go pee."
Me: "Yeah?"
Super Drunk Blonde: "NO, LISTEN.  Tonight, at dinner, I ate asparagus.  And now my pee is going to smell!  I LOVE IT WHEN MY PEE SMELLS."
Me: "I like eating asparagus and hours later peeing, too.  It's like a little surprise when that ammonia scent hits your nose!"
Super Drunk Blonde: ". . . okay.  You know, I read somewhere that some people who eat asparagus . . . asparagus eaters . . . they can pee the asparagus smell, but not smell it.  And some can smell the asparagus pee, but can't pee it.  So I'm REALLY lucky 'cause I can pee the pee and smell the smell.  So when I pee, I smell the asparagus smell!  From my pee!"
Me: "That's awesome."
Super Drunk Blonde: "Listen." *she turns to the girl sitting next to her* "This is my sister.  We're not gay . . . like, we're not a couple . . . we're not a gay couple.  She's just my sister. And she's up.  This weekend.  She's up for the weekend, 'cause we're having a GIRLS WEEKEND!"
*they drunkenly throw their arms in the air and begin hooting and hollering*
Super Drunk Blonde: "No, okay, so listen.  Do you have any Gatorade or Trojans?"
Me: " . . . what?"
Super Drunk Blonde: "We don't have any Gatorade or Trojans.  We went to the store to buy all sorts of stuff for our girls weekend (*the sister raises her arms and hoots some more*), but we forgot the Gatorade. And the Trojans."
Me: "Do you think you're gonna need sports drinks and condoms?"
Super Drunk Blonde: "No, we don't need that.  We need Gatorade and Trojans.  . . . do you have any?  The blue kind would be the best.
Me: "Of the Gatorade or the Trojans?"
Super Drunk Blonde: "It doesn't matter.  Hey, I'm 'una go pee."
Me: "Have fun smelling the asparagus."
Super Drunk Blonde: "OHMAHGOSHITOTALLYFORGOT!  Thanksssssssman!"

True story.

And further proof that fact is better than fiction.