April 3, 2010

Fact Is Better: The Easter Bunny Wouldn't Approve

I got a pet rabbit because I was lonely living by myself. What started off as a normal pet-person relationship, has morphed into something much more unhealthy, as I now find that I frequently talk to him like he fully comprehends and is going to answer intelligently back.

Boone (Mr. Bunny himself) is smarter than people realize.  As a result our conversations are not as nearly one-sided as one would think. Lately he’s been a bit of a jerk – I think perhaps he’s craving attention he’s no longer getting, because I’m at work more. It’s put a bit of a strain on our relationship as he now tries to communicate this discontent of his by attempting to rip my ankles off should I have the misfortune of walking around a corner where he's perched waiting for me.

I was trying to go outside recently, but Boone took it upon himself to guard the door thus preventing my ability to leave and get on with my life with creatures that can interact on a more sophisticated level than attention-seeking premeditated attacks.

Me: *eyeing the door*
Boone: *sees me eyeing the door*
Me: “Listen here, young man, I don’t feel like dealing with bunny swagger this morning. So, go away!”
Boone: *pins his hears back and charges, making an angry little rabbit grunt*
Me: *makes a quick move for the door*
Boone: *full-on attacks Monty Python style*
Me: *after incurring a major battle wound, successfully pins him to the ground* “Okay. Alright. That’s it! I didn’t want to have to do this, but it’s time we had a talk about your attitude!”
Boone: *rolls his eyes*
Me: “Don’t you look at me like that! I am unimpressed with your behavior as of late. You are NOT a vampire, nor are you a mountain lion. You . . . are . . . a rabbit!  Do you think your ancestor, The Easter Bunny, would be pleased with you?”
Boone: *feigns saddness*
Me: “You should know better than this! Especially at this time of year! You are NOT doing a very good job at upholding your family name. Where’s your honor, son?”
Boone: *disinterest continues to emanate from him*
Me: “If it were up to me you would NOT be getting chocolate coins this year!”
Boone: *jumps off my lap, runs over to the Etch-A-Sketch where The Photographer had drawn the word “BOONE” on it. Boone put his two paws on the top of the Etch-A-Sketch, looks over at me, and pulls it down thus erasing all the hard-word The Photographer had put into it. He then puts one bunny foot on it and continues to stare at me, as if to say he’s just conquered something I haven’t.*
Me: “Oh, man, you’re lucky you still have that foot. AHAHA. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?! LUCKY? RABBIT FOOT?! HAHAHA! *confusing him with loud raucous laughter, I catch him off guard, capture his little diva ass and chuck him back in his cage. Padlocking it for good measure.*

True story.

And further proof that fact is better than fiction.