March 20, 2010

Fact is Better: The Complications of Peeing in a Pint Glass

I had to get a drug test (along with having a credit check, FBI criminal check, and finger prints taken) for a new job I'm starting.  I was hoping that peeing in a cup would go a little smoother than it did, but apparently when you take a drug test you are automatically flagged as both stupid and a potential liar.

I don't deal with being treated like I'm stupid.

Forgetful Nurse: “Have you ever had a drug test before?”
Me: “Nope.”
Forgetful Nurse: “Okay. Do you have anything in your pockets?”
Me: “Nope.”
Forgetful Nurse: “Okay, just wash your hands then for me please.”
*I wash my hands thdn stand back in front of the nurse*
Forgetful Nurse: “Done with that? Great! Do you have anything your pockets?”
Me: *I stare at the nurse dumbfounded* “Um . . .no? They’re a little too tight to hide anything in. So, no. Still no.”
Forgetful Nurse: “Oh, did I already ask you!? HAHA! Well, here’s your cup. I need you to fill it to here . . .” *she hands me a cup the size of a pint glass with a pen mark at the halfway point*
Me: “YOU WANT ME TO FILL IT TO THERE?!”
Forgetful Nurse: *she nods condescendingly and then brings me to the bathroom* “Here’s the toilet. I’m going to fill it with this blue liquid. Do NOT flush the toilet when you’re done. You may use it, but DO . . . NOT . . . FLUSH.” *she squeezes some blue goo into the toilet, then smiles and leaves.*
*I sit down and begin to pee in the cup. I pee for an excessively long time. Finally I stop and pull the cup up to make sure I hit the mark. When I see I’m only halfway I begin to panic. I ball my left hand into a fist and begin to push really hard against my bladder. Nothing comes out. I look to the door and debate calling for a nurse. I stand up, pull my trousers up, and open the door to look for her instead. There’s a younger nurse, about my age, passing by*
Young Nurse: “Oh, hi!”
Me: “Hi, I can’t fill the cup all the way.”
Young Nurse: “What? Oh . . . um, then we’ll have to get you some coffee or water and you’ll need to start over again.”
Me: “Oh, wow, really? I mean, I’ve already gone quite a bit, but she’s demanding a lot of pee, and I’m not sure that . . .”
Nazi Nurse: *out of nowhere some militant cow begins to yell* “Can she NOT do it?! Is there something WRONG with her?! TELL HER TO FILL THE CUP!”
Me: “No, I’ve peed, but I mean . . . you’re demanding an awful lot.”
Nazi Nurse: *the militant nurse whips around a corner* “Where’s your cup? WHERE’S YOUR CUP?! YOU CAN’T LEAVE YOUR CUP IN THE BATHROOM!!! GET YOUR CUP. Ma’am, GET . . . YOUR . . . CUP. You need to PLACE . . . YOUR CUP . . . ON THE COUNTER. Get it! IT CAN’T STAY IN THERE!”
Me: *frightened, I hurriedly grab it and rush out of the bathroom*
Young Nurse: *looks at cup* “I don’t think you need more . . . that seems fine to me.”
Nazi Nurse: “NOPE. NO! She waited. She screwed up! Now she’ll have to do it all over again! YOU CAN’T JUST HANG OUT IN THE BATHROOM LIKE THAT. We won’t take your cold . . .”
Young Nurse: “The temperature on the outside is reading 90 degrees.”
Nazi Nurse: *looks at cup* “Oh . . . well then . . .”  *walks away suddenly disinterested*
Young Nurse: “I’m sorry about that. It just can’t get cold, because then it looks suspicious . . . Or, something. Anyway, I’m sure that’s a sufficient amount.”
Forgetful Nurse: *reappears* “HI! Are you done?”
Me: *I stare at her dumbfounded, holding my pee in a cup* “Let me think . . . yes, seems I am.”
Forgetful Nurse: “Great. You’re all set then.”
Me: “Can I wash my hands or does that seem suspicious, too?”
Forgetful Nurse: “Did you want to wash your hands?”
Me: “ . . . I just asked that.”
Forgetful Nurse: “Oh! HAHA! Go ahead.”
Me: “Am I all set to go?”
Forgetful Nurse: “Sure. It takes about a day or two to analyze it and then we’ll send the results off to the correct sources to have them deal with you accordingly.”
Me: “Yeah, I can’t say I’m too worried about this. Not everyone who comes in here to take a drug test takes drugs after all."  *I smile condescendingly to her and the Nazi Nurse who's reappeared before leaving the office, I could see the Young Nurse snickering out of the corner of my eye*

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.