January 29, 2010

Fact is Better: How to Pick Up Men According to Teenage Boys

At a beer promo at one of the ski resorts in Maine I noticed a middle-aged couple laughing and looking at me, so I went over to investigate.

And found gold.

Me: “Hi guys, what’s going on?”
Awesome Lady: “Okay, so we’re with this gaggle of teenage boys, and they’re beside themselves with you girls.”
Awesome Guy: “Yeah, they have been following you around for some time now.”
Me: “Ohhh, really? Where are they now?”
Awesome Guy: “They just stepped out.”
Me: “Mind if I harass them when they come back in?”
Awesome Lady: “OHMYGOD! That would be AWESOME! Please do that."
Me: "Are you sure?  Usually we stay away from teens in deference to the parents."
Awesome Lady: "No!  I'm one of the parents and I think it would be SO funny.  Please harass them - their ages are fifteen, fourteen, and eleven."
*gaggle of teenage boys eventually comes in throwing nervous glances at me as I watch them, running my tongue across my upper lip slowly*
Me: “Hello, boys.”
15 YOB: “Hey.” *he says in an overly macho way*
Me: “Were you staring at us?” *I walk seductively over to the 15 YOB*
15 YOB: “Well duh, why wouldn’t we? You’re hot!”
Me: “You’re kinda cute, too. Can I kiss your cheek?”
*the 14 YOB and the 11 YOB giggle nervously*
15 YOB: “Hell yeah you can kiss my cheek!”
*I grab him roughly and brush up against him, but instead of kissing his cheek, I lick him from jaw to temple. The other two boys start laughing hysterically. The 15 YOB looks completely transfixed*
15 YOB: “I’m never washing my face again. I’M NEVER. WASHING. MY FACE. AGAIN!”
Me: “What’re you doing in ten years?”
15 YOB: “Uhhhhh, nothing. Why?”
Me: “Well, you’ll be twenty-five, and I’ll be thirty-five. And since you clearly like older women, maybe we should go out on a sweet, sweet date. I’ll let you hold my . . . hand.”
*he blushes and shrugs. One of the other promo girls comes over.*
Promo Girl: “Well, well, what’s going on here?”
Me: “These are my new friends.”
Promo Girl: “Oh yeah?” *she starts to massage the 14 year olds back who instantly turns tomato red and tries to hide inside his hoodie*
Me: “Oye! Fellas, I’ve got a question for you. It’s about dating, and you seem like the strapping young men who know what you’re talking about. So my friend here ‘accidentally’ forgot her purse at the last bar and she thinks the bartender there is, like, way super hot. Now she needs to go back and get her purse. How should she go about getting his number?”
14 YOB: “I don’t know, but you need to act sexy!”
Me: “And how does one ‘act sexy’?”
14 YOB: “YOU KNOW!” *he pouts and rubs his hands on his chest.*
Promo Girl: “I’m probably not gonna do that. Any other suggestions?”
14 YOB: *eager to impress* “Uhh, lean over the bar and show some cleave!”
Me: “You’ve clearly not been looking at our chests then (*15 YOB interjects with: “No, we’ve been staring at your asses” and I start to brush my finger up and down his knee which instantly shuts him up*) young man, because you would’ve noticed that our t-shirts cover everything. So that’s not an option. Try again.”
14 YOB: “OH! I KNOW! Grab some water and splash it on your shirt!” *again, he “seductively” rubs his chest*
Promo Girl: “You’re expecting there to be a random glass of water waiting there for me?”
14 YOB: “Well, duh!”
Me: “Basically, what he’s doing is feeding us the ideas from every horrible fake pick-up attempt from every horrible porn he’s ever seen.”
14 YOB: “Basically.”
Promo Girl: “I’m probably just gonna ask for his number.”
14 YOB: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!!”
Me: “Whoa, son, why not?”
14 YOB: “Girls don’t ask boys out. That’s not the way it works.”
Me “It’s the way it works when you get older.”
14 YOB: “No, no no no. That’s NOT how it works. ITSNOTHOWITWORKS!”
Promo Girl: “What if I write down on a napkin, ‘Will you go out with me, check yes or no’? Can I do it that way?”
14 YOB: “Pshaw. Yeah. Duh. But I think the other ways would work better.”
Me: “So you’re telling me that the best way to pick up men is to walk into a bar, act sexy (*pout my lip like a platypus and rub my hands on my body awkwardly*), lean over and show some cleave, grab the cup of water that’s obviously gonna be waiting there for me and splash it all over myself?”
14 YOB: “Yes.”
Promo Girl: “Yeah, I’m probably just gonna ask for his number.”
14 YOB: “Whatever. It’s your funeral.”
Me: “Wow. I didn’t think people said that. Especially fourteen year old boys.”
11 YOB: “Can you lick me now?”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.