November 16, 2009

Fact is Better: New Amsterdam

I went over to my dads the other day and found him and my step-mom sitting in their new hot tub - which looks like the Barrel of Monkeys barrel.

It's in their garage, and my dad rigged straps to the ceiling to act as handles when getting in and out of the tub - the straps look suspisciously like a sex toy.

My dad also changed all the lights in the garage so they're red - he told me its so people can't see him from the streets that way.

I told him it looked like the Red Light District in his garage and I would no longer be inviting any of my friends to meet him.

When I showed up, this is how I was greeted . . .

Dad: "Welcome to New Amsterdam!"
Me: "You're calling it New Amsterdam?"
Dad: "Yes!"
Me: "I'm really uncomfortable with this."
Dad: "Do you wanna get in?"
Me: "Do I wanna get in a hot tub with my dad in what looks like a soft core porn movie set? No. I don't."
*my dad stares at me*
*I stare at my dad*
Me: "But, hey, do you think I could use the hot tub on Sunday?"
Dad: "DURING THE DAY?!?"
Me: " . . . yes."
Dad: "No."
Me: "Because?"
Dad: "Because only creepers use hot tubs during the day. Cool people use the hot tub at night."
Me: "Fine, then can I come over to eat and do laundry."
*my dad gets out of the hot tub and starts walking with me back to the house*
Dad: "Okay, but you're not allowed to eat in the hot tub.'
Me: " . . . what?"
Dad: "There's no EATING in the HOT TUB."
Me: "Oh. Well. Shame, too, since I was definitely going to find the messiest thing I could consume and eat it while being a creeper in your hot tub."
Dad: "You're not allowed to pee in the hot tub."
Me: "Well, that sucks, 'cause there's nothing like bobbing in your own urine."
Dad: "AND YOUR RABBIT ISN'T ALLOWED IN EITHER!"
Me: "Aww, man! I just bought him little water wings, so he can float!"
Dad: "HONEY!!! DO YOU HEAR THIS?! SHE WANTS TO EAT FRIED RICE IN THE HOT TUB AND PEE IN IT WHILE HER RABBIT IS DOING FREAKING LAPS!"
Me: "Alright, I'm leaving. Nice board shorts by the way."
Dad: "Yeah, they're pretty sweet. Unless they're wet and its cold outside."

True (disturbing as it is) story.

Futher proof that fact is better than fiction.