November 7, 2009

Fact is Better: Medical Students Don't Understand The Importance of Carrots

June of 2009 I was rushed to the hospital because it seemed I was having a stroke. It wasn't a stroke. It seems it's actually some kind of brain disease in which no one can figure out. They've been calling it "brain anasthesia." Trying to make the best of the situation, I go into every doctors appointment looking to be entertained.

My most recent follow-up, I was very entertained.

I was brought to a room by a nurse and shortly thereafter the neurologist showed up. This time with another doctor. Usually there are never that many people in these examination rooms.

*looking from the nurse to the new doctor to my neurologist*
Me: "You didn't tell me we were having a party."
Neurologist: " . . . we're having a party."
Me: *eye roll*
Neurologist: "This is a medical student. He is excellent at figuring weird things out."
Me: "Are you calling me a weird thing?"
Neurologist: "Yes. But that's not new news."
Medical Student: *chipper* "So what's wrong?"
Me: "Are you kidding me? I have to explain everything all over again?"
Neurologist: *smugly nods before taking a seat in the back of the room, leans back and closes his eyes*
Me: *quickly explains everything that's been going on*
Medical Student: "Wow . . . this is an odd situation, hunh?
Neurologist: "Yes, she's a conundrum. Enough questions . . . play with your subject already."
Me: *stands up and begins performing sobriety tests*
Medical Student: "Done this before, hunh?"
Me: "Yep."
*medical student touches my face and asks me where I can and can't feel him*
Medical Student: "Patient is numb on her right side."
Neurologist: "That's her left."
Me: "LISTEN HERE, PRINCESS, IF YOU BREAK ME WORSE THAN I'M ALREADY BROKEN I WILL HAUNT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."
Neurologist: "Check her heart. It seems a little frigid today."
Medical Student: *puts stethoscope to my throat*
Me: "I'm not impressed with this situation."
Medical Student: *pulls back real quick* "Ow! Loud!"
Neurologist: "CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. STOP TALKING."
Medical Student: *puts stethoscope back*
Neurologist: "I don't want your sass today, Beer Model."
Me: *eye roll*
*they run more tests*
Neurologist: "So, what's wrong with her? No pressure, just . . . give us a diagnosis."
Medical Student: "Umm . . . this is a very exceptional situation. She's lost her sensory nerves it seems. I don't know, maybe she's . . ."
*at the same time* - Neurologist: "Hysterical," Me: "Crazy"
Medical Student: "Maybe we need to run an EEG and an EMG?"
Neurologist: "Maybe another spinal tap. She loves spinal taps."
Me: "And carrots. Love carrots."
Medical Student: "Carrots? I don't get it."
Neurologist: "You wouldn't it, and what did I tell you about sass?"
Me: *eye roll*

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.