November 23, 2009

Fact is Better: Eternal Damnation is Better Than a Theater Full of Teenage Girls

Recently I attended a midnight showing of the premier of a teen angst movie, which also happened to have some vampires in it. Knowing full well that I was going to be bringing the medium age of attendance up by six or so years, I prepared myself for what I knew was going to be a ridiculous evening.

My friend, The Cake Maker, and I stood in line, drinking our energy drinks (because it's hard to stay up 'til three.am on a work night; where do these kids have all this energy?! Ugggghhh *gulp**slurp**gag*), and when the cinema let us in she and I briskly walked to our designated theater to get good seats. And, despite the fact that our tickets read "152" and "153" of the two hundred tickets available, we managed to get the best seats in the house.

Me: *texting my mom* "We totally elbowed the teenagers out of the way and got the best seats!"
Mom: *texts back* "You have become a frightening old bag."
Me: "My mom says we're frightening old bags. So hey, while I was waiting for you in your room, I noticed that you were playing some farming game on Facebook."
The Cake Maker: "Don't judge - look where we're sitting right now! Besides, it's the best thing to do at four.am when you can't sleep. You make sure the cows are good. CHECK! Make sure the pigs are happy. CHECK! How's the corn doing? GOOD!"
Me: "A lost baby turkey was apparently trying to be a part of your farm, but I denied him. Was that okay?"
The Cake Maker: "Fuckin' right it was, who wants a bunch of turkeys running around like little bastards?"
Me: *choking with laughter*
The Cake Maker: *laughing so hard, she tears up* "Shit, I don't even know what that means."
*a group of teen girls walk in front of us*
Angsty Teen Girl: "Like, OMG, I hope my mom isn't all like a douche tomorrow morning trying to wake me up for school."
The Cake Maker: "If these teeny boppers try to do the slow unified clap, I'm gonna punch someone in the throat."
*more teenage girls walk by in PJ pants and slippers, wearing "Team Edward" shirts*
Me: *in business casual attire I'd been in six six.am* ". . . well, I'm underdressed."
The Cake Maker: "AND YOU KNOW THEY PLANNED THAT! Like, they called each other up to see who was wearing what colored PJ pants and changed eighty-five times to find the right PJ look. Ugh."
Me: "The funny thing is that the idea of being lusted and lusting after a vampire seems exciting to these kids. It ignites some part of their imagination getting to see that there's a pretend world where imaginary creatures, like sexy vampires, fall in love with ordinary girls. What they don't realize, is that this is a completely attainable thing when you're older. You just look at your boyfriend and tell him 'Tonight we're gonna play vampires. So bite me.' Annnnnd, with that you don't actually have to worry about eternal damnation or the sacrificing of your soul for immortality, which none of these kids realize isn't such a glorious end."
Theater Operator: "Ladies and gentleman, we're about to start the movie, please turn off all cell phones."
*a slow clap unified starts sporadically through the crowd*
The Cake Maker: *cracking her knuckles* "Eternal damnation doesn't sound to bad compared to this. If they cheer when the lights go down, I swear . . ."
*the lights go down and all the teen girls squeal with glee*
The Cake Maker: *perks up in seat and looks all around her* "REALLY!? REALLY!? Cheering because THE LIGHTS WENT DOWN?! I DON'T WANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU RUNNING THE WORLD. OR TAKING CARE OF ME WHEN I'M OLD . . . OLDER. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD GENERATION!!!"
Me: "Thanks for coming with me."
The Cake Maker: "Hey, sure, anytime."

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.