September 4, 2009

Fact is Better: Chainsaw Throwing

I went to my dad’s house on Monday to help around his property. He had just cut down several trees on his land (after I had hugged them), and needed to move the burnable wood to our camp.

Me: “Hey, how’s it going?”
Dad: *glares at me, sweat soaking through his shirt.*
Me: *looks away and kicks some leaves on the ground*
Dad: *he attempts several times to start the chainsaw, but it keeps turning over; he then picks it up and throws it violently into the woods*
Me: “Did you just throw your chainsaw?”
Dad: “I was hoping to teach it a lesson by smashing into a tree. But I forgot I had cut them all down.”
Me: “It’s not every day you see a grown man throw a chainsaw in a temper tantrum.”
Dad: “I would really appreciate it if you didn’t put this on the internet.”
Me: “Okay.”

Later on we arrive at my summer camp to drop off the wood for the fire pit. My four year old cousin comes bounding up the hill. You have to understand she is potentially one of the coolest human beings on the face of the earth. Last Easter she got up on the table and announced, “When I grow up, I want to be a cardiologist! And if that doesn’t work out, then a dinosaur!”

That’s alright in my book.

Just remember throughout this conversation – she’s only four.

Piper: “HI GUYS.”
Dad: “Hi, Piper. What’ve you got there?”
Piper: *holds up her stuffed dog* “This is Marley, he’s my pet dog.”
Dad: “Don’t you have a pet dog?”
Piper: “Yes. But he’s loud. And I can’t do this to him . . .” *she throws her stuffed animal as hard as she can against a tree trunk*
Me: “There’s something not quite right with this family.”
Dad: “What about your pet fish? Don’t you like him?”
Piper: *heavy sigh* “About that. I’m not happy with my pet fish. Every year the Easter Bunny gives me a fish, but I think he’s giving me the rejects. ‘Cause they’re always the lazy and ugly ones.”
Me: “Maybe you should write to the Easter Bunny and demand top quality fish for next year.”
Piper: “Or I can write to the Easter Bunny and demand no fish for next year.”
Dad: “Steff’s got a bunny. She’s giving him wood to chew on.”
Piper: “Bunnies don’t chew wood. They chew on carrots.”
Me: “Mine doesn’t eat carrots.”
Piper: “Well then your bunny is stupid. Maybe you should write to the Easter Bunny and demand for less stupid rabbit relatives.”
Dad: *laughs so hard he drops a log on his foot, swears, then reaches down to pick up the log before throwing it into the stacked pile, which immediately falls down all over the place.*
Piper: “What’re you guys doing?!”
Me: “We were stacking wood.”
Piper: “Can I help? You should let me help.”
Dad: “It’s not really very much fun, Piper.”
Piper: “But, that’s okay. ‘Cause, see, if more people help to get a job done, then it gets done quicker, which leaves more time for everybody to do fun stuff!”
Dad and Me: *staring at each other*
Dad: “You were not the profound at her age. I think you were still sticking food to your face.”
Me: “What makes you think anything has changed in twenty years?”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.