September 11, 2009

Fact is Better: "Mars Ain't the Kind of Place to Raise Your Kids"

The other night we working as Newcastle beer models in Newcastle, ME at the Newcastle Publick House.

(Someone planning this thought they were witty).

The following happened towards the end of our promo . . .

Crazy Dude: *hustling to the door* “You ladies comin’ to see the spaceship?”
Promo Girl 1: “What?”
Me: “Dude, we’re done working, we’re le . . . wait, what?”
Crazy Dude: “The spaceship. Duh!”
Promo Girl 2: *whispering discreetly to me* “This is the guy that thinks were prostitutes.”
Promo Girl 1: *whispering equally discreetly* “He’s also been drinking his weight in whiskey all day.”
Me: “Okay, wait, so, you’re going outside to see a spaceship?”
Crazy Dude: *throws hands up* “That’s what I said! It’s coming at eight o’six! And it’s eight o’four, so we gotta get out there if we wanna see it!” *runs out the door*
*we look at each other before following him outside*
Crazy Dude: “Awww, you ladies are gonna see the spaceship with me!”
Promo Girl 2: “We were sorta on our way out anyway.”
Promo Girl 1: “It’s cold outside, I might just leave.”
Me: “How do you know there’s even gonna be a spaceship at eight o’six.”
Crazy Dude: “MY FRIEND TOLD ME!”
Me: “Is your friend a reliable source?”
Crazy Dude: “Well, he heard it from another friend who said he heard it from his mom who was watching the Na-saw channel. And they said that one of their spaceship-shuttle-things was gonna be popping into our very skies TONIGHT. AT EIGHT. OH. SIX.”
Me: “So you didn’t hear this from NASA directly?”
Crazy Dude: “No . . . what, do you think I have connections to Na-saw? Are you crazy?!”
Promo Girl 2: “Says the man looking for a spaceship in the sky.”
Promo Girl 1: *fiddling with her Blackberry* “The NASA website says the shuttle is supposed to land Thursday, September 10th.”
Promo Girl 2: “That’s tomorrow. So how’s it supposed to show up in the sky tonight?”
Crazy Dude: “It’s just peakin’ it’s head out to say ‘HI!’ that’s all!”
Promo Girl 1: “Annnnnnnnd, I’m leaving.”
Crazy Dude: “Awwww, no, listen, just stay! I promise its gonna happen. At worst, you lost five minutes of your lives; at best, you got to see a spaceship. And how often does that happen in life?”
Me: “Sound advice from a man who thinks we’re hookers.”
Crazy Dude: *shudders* “Don’t be that way. ‘Hookers’ is such a vile word. ‘Prostitutes’ is so much more, business efficient sounding.”
*we all crane our necks to look into the star-studded sky*
Crazy Dude: “Oooh, ouch, don’t think I can look up like that. Yesterday I dove into a sandbar after me and my good friend Jameson spent the afternoon together. You ladies look up and tell me when it appears.”
*a quiet moment later after craning our necks*
Me: “Eight o’seven, my man, where’s the spaceship?”
Promo Girl 2: “You would think NASA would be more on time.”
*another long moment goes by in silence.*
Crazy Dude: “But for the record, you really are the most lovely prostitutes I ever met.”
*another moment*
Me: “You’ve gotta be kidding me right now.”
*after what looked like a quick burst of light, a larger glowing thing appears in the sky and starts moving slowly across the dark nights canvas.*
Crazy Dude: “I told you ladies!”
Promo Girl 1: “That can’t be real.”
Crazy Dude: “You see the entrails?! THOSE ARE THE ENTRAILS OF A SPACESHIP!”
Promo Girl 2: “I SEE ENTRAILS!”
Crazy Dude: “YOU SEE THE ENTRAILS?!?!”
Promo Girl 2: “I SEE THE ENTRAILS!!!!”
Promo Girl 1: “I’m leaving."
*she leaves, the shuttle moves across the sky, and the guy looks at us satisfied*
Crazy Dude: “Well, hot damn. Think I’ll go celebrate by drinkin’ me some more whiskey.” *he starts to leave, but turns around* “And, listen, ladies, charging $3.50 is beneath you. You should at least hold out for a solid five.”
Me: “Three fifty?”
Promo Girl 2: “That’s how much the beer was tonight.”
Me: “You realize these are the situations that people think I make up.”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.