August 10, 2008

Fact is Better: Commy Clam Cakes

There's this clam cake restaurant on the coast that my dad and his family had been going to their entire lives, and once a year my dad would take me and my sister. He usually orders several dozen clam cakes and goes to town eating them. One summer, in the middle of his feed, he looked up at me intensely.

Dad: “If you could be anything at the beach what would you be?”
Me: “I don't kn . . .”
Dad: *interrupting* “Cause I'd be a clam cake.”
Me: “You'd be a clam cake?”
Dad: “Yeah. 'Cause I'd like to eat myself.”
Me: “If you were a clam cake, you'd smell really bad.”
Dad: “No, 'cause I'd wash in fresh water with Irish Spring soap.”
Me: “What?”
Dad: “Yeah, I'd scrub off all the brown stuff on me.”
Me: “You mean, like, the deep fried coating part?”
Dad: “Yeah.”
Me: “And then you'd be a big gommy pile of crab cake meat.”
Dad: “A commy? C'mon, I wouldn't be a communist crab cake. There's no socialism happening in the crab cake world. That's just silly.”
Me: “GOMMY, Dad. Mushy? Ya know?”
Dad: “Oh, right.”
*pause*
Dad: “Can you imagine how difficult it would be to actually shower as a crab cake?”
Me: “What?”
Dad: “Yeah, 'cause I'd be shaped like one of those MnM's you see in the commercial, but I was just thinking how difficult it would be to wash my back in the shower. As a clam cake, of course.”
*pause*
Dad: “I would go up to people and tell them to take a bite out of me.”Me: “But you'd eventually cease to exist.”
Dad: “I wouldn't cease to exist.”
Me: “Yes. You would. If you were a crab cake and you walked up to people and said, 'Hey, please take a bite of me,' eventually someone would have to take the last bite - and you would cease to exist.”
Dad: “That's okay.”
Me: “Why?”
Dad: “'Cause I would be reincarnated as a chicken nugget.”
*later - outside at the car*
Me: “What're you doing?
Dad: *writing on his dirty car with his finger: 'I brake for tartar sauce’*

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction