June 3, 2008

Fact is Better: Corporate Language

My Step Mom hadn’t done groceries in three months. She went to Walmart to do them, and spent roughly $340. My dad was upset, because apparently he told her not purchase anything that wasn’t food. She bought pens and blinds, and this upset him so greatly he decided to go through every single item individually on the receipt to see what else she bought.

Now, have you ever looked at a Walmart receipt? They abbreviate everything . . .

Dad: “Angel food cake? Did you need that? What else . . . jivvy priddy rods? What the hell is a jivvy priddy rod?”
Step Mom: “Great Value Pretzel Rods.”
Dad: “Chickeye sticks?!”
Step Mom: “Chuck eye steak.”
Dad: “What the hell is a jivvy med nettle?”
*my step mom takes the receipt*
Step Mom: “Great Value Medium Egg Noodles.”
Dad: “Bly narns marn chops?”
Step Mom: “Boneless pork chops.”
Dad: “Swissinn chickenbrits?”
Step Mom: “Swanson chicken broth.”
Dad: “Why do they call it that? Why can’t they just call it what it is? What the hell else did you buy? This Walmart Receipt Language sucks. Who hell is the guy in the office writing this? I wanna meet him. Oh, yeah, but look – one day, he couldn’t come up with some smarmy word, so he called it what it was. ‘It’s Monday, I’m fucking tired. Haddock is . . . haddock. Fuck.’”
*step mom starts bagging up stuff for me to take home, like some bread, tea, apples*
Dad: “Anything else? First-born? Cat? Bench grinder?”
Step Mom: “Do you want some biscuits? We bought these biscuits, but your dad hates them.”
Dad: “I love them!”
Step Mom: “As of when?”
Dad: “As of now!!!”
*Dad grabs the biscuits*
Dad: "JboFlakBlaFlavBict."
Step Mom: “What?”
Dad: “That’s Walmart Language for Jumbo Flaky Butter Flavor Biscuits. Nevermind, you won’t understand.”

True story.

Further proof that fact is better than fiction.